It’s no using hiding, we’ll find you – Part 1

There is such a stigma with failure isn’t there?  Everyone wants to be a success, and have the best of everything but what do you do when you perceive everyone else is doing better than you?  In reality, they probably aren’t but when you are in such a hole, everything seems so much worse.

It is bad enough knowing you have debt, and hardly any spare funds.  You find excuses not to go out, not to buy new clothes, you miss key events etc and so forth.  You miss them as you need to save money but also because you cannot face people.  Oh the face you put on when forced to confront family and friends.  I think friends don’t notice any difference but close family certainly do.

The problem for me is I am the oldest of 4 children, and thus should set an example.  I felt such shame, I still do.   It took me a long time to admit to my family I was in real trouble with money, but the delay was not just down to embarrassment.  The marriage nightmare catapulted into the public eye once again, despite me wanting to keep myself to myself.  But, when the affair came out, everyone had advice and wanted to console me.  But how did I feel, humiliated even further.  Anyone that is on the end of an affair suffers humiliation and never let any psychologist tell you anything different.  When someone rejects you for another, you have questions as to why they are a better choice.  And remember my readers, the affair had no direct relationship to the debt.

So there I was, the perceived black sheep of the family.  My own family was breaking apart, and I had to keep the front up of being ok.  To be fair, I am very good at that, but mostly to make sure none of my personal crisis’ had any impact on my job.  That worked, nobody had any clue at any of my jobs unless I told them.  I would be good at acting I think.

As the separation and divorce progressed, I knew I would have to admit the debt too.  But you must try to understand, I had a great life.  No debt, a nice home and lovely family.  But that had changed so drastically, I felt it was too much for my family at the beginning.

When I did tell them, it spilled out like marbles from my pocket.   However, I still held back some of the debt figures, those I felt I could deal with myself.  The debt I told them about was the huge HMRC debt I owed.  I say huge, I owed them 100K at one point and had somehow cleared 87K on my own.  Later in the blog I will explain how I did that. 

My family leant me the 13K to clear the immediate debt, I should have gone to them earlier.  Do I feel better, no, I still owe 13K, but my family doesn’t threaten me every week.  And that we will discuss in part 2.

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