I know you have been waiting to see whether I phoned my parents, and I did. It took me a while to build up to it but I did it. It went how I thought it would, the words I expected to see of how proud they are, and want to help. However, and I knew it wouldn’t, it didn’t stop the shame. I cannot stop that feeling, just complete humiliation.
I expected my life to be so so different, but it isn’t. I keep thinking of all the things that went wrong, and what led to this. But, is this life, you are dealt what you are dealt. It is just a shame that most of my cards have been rubbish.
Back to this though, my parents will loan me the money. This means I can go down the insolvency route and stop the HMRC coming at me. So why do I not feel any relief? It is hard to explain, very hard actually, that even small victories mean nothing until I pay things off. I realise my parents will never pressure me, and indeed have stated there is no rush at all to pay it off, but I am just not looking forward to going round.
It may sound irrational, but I just feel if you owe people money you cannot do anything that appears affluent. For example, a holiday as it looks (to me) like you are using money you could have used to pay people back. Even if people may not see it that way, but I do.
My point is, I am still trapped. Not trapped in a situation whereby my house and possessions could be taken away, but by the knowledge that I am not free to live a ‘normal’ life. It means that that even if on certain paydays I may find myself to be lucky enough to have an extra couple of hundred pounds, I cannot use it for a treat.
In essence, my life remains on hold. Just with less people chasing me.