It’s done. I manned up.

Hi all

I know you have been waiting to see whether I phoned my parents, and I did.  It took me a while to build up to it but I did it.  It went how I thought it would, the words I expected to see of how proud they are, and want to help.  However, and I knew it wouldn’t, it didn’t stop the shame.   I cannot stop that feeling, just complete humiliation.

I expected my life to be so so different, but it isn’t.  I keep thinking of all the things that went wrong, and what led to this.  But, is this life, you are dealt what you are dealt.  It is just a shame that most of my cards have been rubbish.

Back to this though, my parents will loan me the money.   This means I can go down the insolvency route and stop the HMRC coming at me.   So why do I not feel any relief?  It is hard to explain, very hard actually, that even small victories mean nothing until I pay things off.   I realise my parents will never pressure me, and indeed have stated there is no rush at all to pay it off, but I am just not looking forward to going round.

It may sound irrational, but I just feel if you owe people money you cannot do anything that appears affluent.  For example, a holiday as it looks (to me) like you are using money you could have used to pay people back.  Even if people may not see it that way, but I do.

My point is, I am still trapped.  Not trapped in a situation whereby my house and possessions could be taken away, but by the knowledge that I am not free to live a ‘normal’ life.  It means that that even if on certain paydays I may find myself to be lucky enough to have an extra couple of hundred pounds, I cannot use it for a treat.

In essence, my life remains on hold.  Just with less people chasing me.

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5 thoughts on “It’s done. I manned up.”

  1. This was a huge and difficult step, and I know how hard it must have been to swallow your pride and ask for help. You’re on a better path, though, getting out from under your prior business and those debts. While financial freedom is the ultimate goal, settling for some stability right now is a huge step forward.

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      1. You haven’t failed, though. Yes, it feels like it, but no one expects their business and marriage to fail. We make mistakes and learn from them. Some lessons are especially distasteful and humiliating, but they need not define you as a man or as a person.

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  2. Massive congrats!!! And remember your story isn’t finished yet! Many entrepreneurs have a few goes before they get their ‘big idea’ look at Simon cowells story!! This is just the big drama in the middle…..it will start picking up from here 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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