UK Blog Awards 2015 voting open!

I previously posted that I had been nominated for the #UKBA15 awards – The UK Blog Awards 2015.  I have been nominated in the Lifestyle category and I am enormously proud.  Now the voting is open!

If you wanted to, you can nominate this blog but that is entirely up to you.  My award is seeing people read and comment on this blog, and ultimately empathise with me.

The nomination is here:

http://www.blogawardsuk.co.uk/candidates/Divorced-and-in-Debt-How-did-I-end-up-in-this-mess

anyone else nominated, good luck to you all as well.

Advertisements

Raising the balance not going well!

By now you all know, I need to raise the £4500 in order to file my company insolvency.  This is not going well at all.

I have until the 21st November to raise at least half the money.  The usual options are not available to me so have applied for 5 householder loans.  As the loans are under 5K I don’t have to involve my ex, but declined on all 5.  Guess why??

Yep, because I am now involved in Insolvency!  Good grief, can it get any worse?   Yet another door shuts because of something else.  The world of finance is so deeply linked it’s scary.  So, it’s lie mode from now on then.

One other thing, every decline of credit is another black mark on your credit history.  Not that it makes a blind bit of difference any more as the chances of me ever getting credit again is pretty much zero.   But, it is annoying.

I still have 11 days though, 11 days to come up with other ways of raising the money.  Wish me luck.

There is something going on I don’t understand

I know my blog is primarily about debt and divorce but something else has been happening recently and I would love some advice.  A lot of my readers come from the same genre as this blog but equally there are others that are about inner thoughts etc.  I need some help here.

I vividly dream, not all the time, but enough to make me look into the meanings of them.  I have mentioned this before but last night went one step further.  Normally I can explain my dreams with a bit of simple research, and they make perfect sense as they are clearly my subconscious mind reacting to my situation.

Last night my dream made no sense, my boss and my HR department were in it and all very friendly however I appeared to be working in a factory and they kept trying to give me rucksacks.  These were not new rucksacks, old and dirty ones.   I should be clear here, work is going very very well so I have no concerns there.   Here is where it gets weird, I was then in an alleyway on a hill and on the floor were loads of silver coins.  Different sized silver coins, but all American.  The small coins I took no notice of but there were large coins too, the size of an old English 10p coin.  On the big silver coin was the American Eagle and the number 25.  They all had 25 on them.

Few other things happened but the coins part I remember very well as it made no sense.  I looked it up and I truly hope it does mean something good:

from the following website: http://www.gotohoroscope.com/txt/dream-meaning-coins.html

“Generally gold and silver coins are considered auspicious to be viewed in your dreams whereas copper coins symbolize improvement in health. The negative representation of coins in your dream is the irrational behavior and thoughts that lead to heavy loss. They also sometimes suggest a necessary change in thinking or living habits in order to bring in joy of living.

Coins are very important insignia to be observed in your dreams and generally are related to health and wealth of the person. The dream interpretation differs on the position, amount and type of coin observed in the dream as all have specific meanings inclined. These dreams are quite rare and if you see them it means they have some tale to tell “

There were no copper coins though which is a good thing, no gold coins either, just silver coins.  This is the next important bit, and it also appears on multiple other sites –

“if you see silver coins then it signifies enhancement in spiritual sense. It is also analyzed as the enhancer of intuitive power to guide you in future.”

Now why is this relevant?   I am not particularly spiritual but it is odd that this is mentioned as something then happened.  I was woken by 2 loud knocks at my front door.   My front door is a modern UPVC door, this was 2 knocks using an old door knocker on a wooden door.   It woke me bolt upright, it was extremely loud and very clear.   None of the animals moved, including the dog who was right next to me.   I don’t know what to make of it really, it woke me right out of my dream.  It did unsettle me though.

I know, I sound crazy, but I don’t honestly understand what is going on.  I also keep finding coins outside my house, tiny denominations but coins none the less.

Is this a way of trying to tell me something?  In some ways I hope it is, but I am a sceptic so it is a battle of wills right now.  The old style door knock has made me pay attention.  It was not in my dream, it was clear as day to me.

So, over to you guys.  I have no answers for this thus far.

bills, bills, bills.

Sometimes, and it is rare, my situation gets to me.  It does take a lot, by definition I am a very strong person.  I handle personal crisis well but occasionally it gets too much.  I can only juggle so many things at any one time, today got a bit too much.

Started last night when I got in from work, my ex was kind enough to leave the usual school letters and bills to be filled in, signed and paid and then to be returned to the school.  Quite why she cannot pick up a pen and at least fill them in is beyond me but I am well used to it.  However, there were a few more than normal.

I had come home with £24 in my wallet, proud I had made it through the week after withdrawing £50.  I figured that would get me though the weekend but no, and you can guess what is coming here, the school forms requiring payment equalled £24.  Totally gutted…my wallet was now empty.  Whatever I try to do, every week I end up with no money.  It annoyed me and just felt a little deflated.

Today I received 2 letters, the first was a fine from my bank for my business bank account going overdrawn.  This was expected as I have ceased trading.  This letter will be dealt with by my Insolvency Practitioner but it was still unpleasant to receive the letter.  I knew it was was bad as it was HAND SIGNED!  Normally bank letters have printed signatures, but not mine.

Onto letter 2.  My energy company is putting up my direct debit by a whopping £46/month.   This is an additional £500/year.  This was my breaking point today, I just feel like I always lose.  No matter how many savings I make, or things I sell, or cuts to spending I perform I somehow always end up back at square one.  I have mentioned this before, once you are at the bottom of the pit then somehow you stay there.   It does seem that you need that lucky win, or lottery win, to pull your out.

I wonder how many other people in debt feel this way.  This never ending drain on your funds?  Perhaps when you are affluent you don’t notice these little things but sadly I do notice them.  I just want a break here, it is so hard keeping everything paid and up to date as a single parent.

It is now only 7 weeks till Christmas too.  Something really needs to happen, financially, and quick.

HMRC just won’t let it lie

Long day today, stuck in traffic and it took a while to get home.  When I did, checked my mail and there it was – a brown envelope.  Avid readers will know I hate them, it takes me ages to open it as it creates fear and brings me out in a sweat.  They are never nice and they are always from the HMRC, so I knew this wouldn’t be good.

What a shock (sarcasm), they have totally ignored the letter from my Insolvency Practitioner and sent me a demand for Corporation Tax, £14663 payable immediately.  We expected this to happen, purely because they know they have threated me before and I have somehow raised the funds to pay them off.  Not this time, I have sent the letter over to my IP for them to deal with.  This was the point of going through business insolvency, to stop this.  One week after the declaration and the HMRC ignore it.

I cannot think of one good word to say the HMRC.  They are like a dog with a bone, they bully and harass you until you break and care not for your personal stories or strife.   They want the money you owe, the money they added on, and the money they will add on when you can’t pay after a month.   It stops now.

Before I started this blog, I read a lot of forums about to stop these threats and the amount of pages of broken souls desperate for some sort of a solution to stop the letters, phone calls and visits.   I felt for all of them, I was lucky that I could pay off such massive amount of money but it did me no favours.

The best advice I have been given is not to pay.  If you are in trouble, do not pay.  Most of us want to pay, including me, as it is the right thing to do.  However if that debt target continues to move then you are never going to catch up.  I thought I was doing the morally right thing but no.  I should have said years ago I couldn’t pay and stopped it there and then.

There are times in your life when right is actually wrong, and this is one of them.

At least I can pass this letter on, legally they cannot threaten me any more.   On a positive note, I found 21p today!  I continue to find small coinage.  Every little helps!

Competition win restores positivity

As you all know, I do a lot of competitions.  This hobby started as I was on my own a lot in the evenings, I was lucky enough to win some things very early.  Then I won a lot of things!

This gave me the bug obviously, in recent years though winning has been harder.  I suspect as life and finances grow tighter for people, more and more of those people look at entering competitions as a way to improve their lives.  Why not though, entering is completely free aside from increasing your spam mail by 500%.

I have won some really nice things, prior to the debt carnage I used them to furnish my home, to sell for money or to give to people on celebratory occasions.  I haven’t won anything in a couple of months though so was beginning to feel despondent.  The power of winning something though is amazing, yesterday I had a little parcel.  Opened it and I had won 100 teabags!  I know some people will laugh BUT stop and look it another way, that is 100 cups of tea I now don’t have to finance.  That may well only save me £6 but still a saving right?

One of the biggest tips I got, that did not involve scrimping, was to enter competitions and to enter a lot.   You don’t have to enter all the big flash ones like TV’s, cars, holidays etc.  Enter as many as you can that even help a little bit.  I have won boxes of crisps that have fed the kids at lunchtimes for months.   Hampers, fuel vouchers, shopping vouchers all help.  Also, there are loads where you can 1000 x product which is normally a jar of coffee or something similar but worth doing.

It’s amazing that winning a box of tea bags has given me renewed vigour and positivity.  In my limited experience, I have found one piece of good news normally leads to another.   And thus it has, I was dreading my speeding ticket notification as this adds to my existing points and yesterday I got that letter.  Amazingly it offered me the speed awareness course instead of points, amazing as you are only permitted to do 1 course every 3 years.  Now, I checked my records for when I last went, and I definitely attended one 2 years ago so I didn’t qualify.  But, apparently I do according to this statement “we have checked you are eligible and can confirm we do not have you registered on a course in the previous 3 years”.  Now, clearly this is an omission but I am grabbing it with both hands and looking at it as a stroke of luck.

Do you see where I am going with this?  Most of the time I find things tend to cascade downwards, you just need an anchor point to start an upward trend.  Perhaps this is it.

Irritants after a break-up

Why am I writing this post today, well my ex broke protocol when it comes to social media.  We have a rule on Facebook where we do not put images of new partners on there, it offends family members and upsets the kids.  This is not an issue for me as I have remained single but my ex is still with the guy she cheated with.  Up until last night that rule stayed in place,  but today a Halloween party shows them together and lots of comments about them.  This is the usual middle finger in the air to everyone.

The agreement was, from my family and I to her, that if (when) it happened we would remove her and thus this will now happen.  There will be the usual rants and raves and excuses on how they have accidently appeared, but sadly we have heard it all before.

This is the final straw, you see I am very respectful.  I do not slate her in public and prefer to stay out of conversations about her.  I have also stayed out of the many many situations where people have wanted to get hold of her, these are the previous friends she has stitched up, partners of men she has approached and so on.

I mention irritants, there are so very many.  The biggest one for me is the total failure by Karma to punish her in any way for the multiple wrong doings.  I am not aiming for a beat up session here, but these are actual facts.  She is well known as a compulsive liar and a master maniplulator, and has no disregard for who she hurts.  Don’t get me wrong, people always get the tears and “I’m so sorry” but sadly it has all been heard before.   Hence, Karma…time to step up.

But, what is a massive irritant to me this time is her band of friends.  You see, when the affair came out and everything else she had done also came out, she lost all bar a couple of friends.  Somehow she latched onto a new band of younger girls who seem to worship her.  They clearly see her and her guy as a nice couple but right here is the kicker, they all know the history of what they both did?  What he did to his family was similar by the way.  Being as all those new found friends are married you would think even one of them would think it morally wrong?  It appears not.

Why does this actually irritate me?  Well, there is a pattern you see.  Every few years she causes a near nuclear bomb explosion everyone drops her, and she starts again.  It has happened at least 3 times since I have known her.  It irritates me that she can move on like that but, as stated above, she somehow manipulates the situation for them to feel sorry for her.  It is an astonishing skill, one I would love to intervene in.  I would love to turn up at one of the many ‘girlie nights’ and say “hold on, what she has told you is utter rubbish and here are ten people who will tell you differently to her story”.

So this is why I want life to pay her back, I am simply amazed she just moves on and people love her!    How come I have to struggle why she moves onto another life of luxury where she pays absolutely nothing towards it?  She is the mother of my children so I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but I would absolutely LOVE to see her publically ousted by someone.  This may sound cruel but why does nobody from her new group stand up and think hold on, this girl wrecked 2 families and she is sat her dining at my table.

I really struggle to understand it.

I try hard not to judge people, when I meet people with a past I try to understand it but this is different.  It is a trend, it has happened many times and so many people have been hurt by her.  If a queue formed it would snake around the block!

Not often I have a rant but at some point it would be nice to sit back and smirk.   Who else wouldn’t want to?  When someone cheats you want to see them fail from that point on, not  to sit back and watch their life get better!

I just felt like getting this off my chest.

New unexpected record

Mini post today, normal service will be resumed later, but I had to acknowledge this.

It seems sometimes you write a post that hits home with a lot of people.  When I write I don’t know what impact, if any, it will have but yesterday’s piece attracted a record number of views.   I simply never expected that.

What I do hope though is that all those views lead to people being helped by my thoughts and advice, it is what we are here for after all.

The amount of views and comments also gives you the constant push to keep writing about my daily life.   I’m sure it won’t always be on the same 2 topics!!

I spend a fair bit of time looking through twitter, google and other people’s similar blogs.   I find that blogs on debt and blogs on divorce are completely different (as expected) but what I mean is, Debt blogs are usually experience and top tips whereas family orientated Divorce/Affair/Betrayal are people’s anguish.   I try and combine the both.

It’s a community out there and I am glad I joined it.

An affair need not break you

I started blogging for my own reasons but naively I never realised the impact a blog has.  People follow your blog to see your journey, where you came from, why you are here and to join you in where you end up.  They follow you because there is an aspect of their lives that runs in parallel with your own.  A lot of my followers have come from a broken relationship or marriage, largely due an affair.

The feelings that pour out on those blogs are all too familiar but I wanted to share why I think you can come through it.  I’m no expert, I just have first hand experience.   I have learnt a lot, so I am going to type it up in the home some of you can try and look through where you are right now, and see where you will be.

Nobody can tell you how to react, everyone reacts differently but the theme remains the same.  Betrayal, a complete shock and the feeling of being totally let down by someone you assumed would never do it.   You choose to be in a relationship with someone you have a mutual respect with, someone you want to do everything with.  When you discover they are not that person, there is natural shock.

There are different levels of an affair, depending on whether you are married, have children etc.  But and affair is an affair none the less.   It causes a lot of pain and sadly causes you to question yourself as a person.   That is the other level of an affair you see, the fact that it reflects on yourself.  What have been people been thinking behind your back?  Do people now assume you are bad in bed?  Am I boring?  Was I not good enough?   The questions go on and on, and it is our human nature to try and reason with something we cannot take in.  In reality though, there is no answer, the person who had the affair did it for their own reasons.

They will always try and justify what happened with those reasons, but ultimately they decided to do it.  In everyone’s life there are crossroads, and different paths leading from them.  They were at that crossroad, do they have an affair or not?  That is their decision alone, and you yourself have no bearing on that decision.  You will be told it was a mistake, it just happened, they were lonely and other such excuses.  All excuses, no blame on yourself.

How do you react though?  It is natural to be devastated, and for it to be constantly on your mind.   Whether you hate that person is to be decided, but we all miss a trick in that we need to instantly protect ourselves.   You will be swamped with support from everyone but sadly, nobody truly knows how you feel.  There is a social perception of obvious feelings but each and every person is different.   If you had lower self esteem than another person perhaps, then you would be affected more.

I suppose I was lucky, I had suspected for quite some time so when it finally all came out it was a relief. Finding out all the actual facts was the hard part.

Reading some of your blogs, there is pure pain in your posts.  Time does heal, but a lot of these posts are people hanging on to the fact that the relationship can recover.  If you can make it work, then fair play to you.  But, sadly, it will never be the same as a line has been crossed.   That person has done the unthinkable, if you take them back can you ever truly move on like nothing has happened?   I had the option to make a go of it (her words not mine), but no thank you.  The person who had the affair, once you have forgiven, will never quite respect you again because they got forgiven!  In effect, they got away with it.

Anyone that can move on from an affair, I wish you the absolute best luck in the world.  But anyone struggling, stop beating yourself up every day.  You cannot change what has happened and it doesn’t need to destroy you.  It also doesn’t need to give you any trust issues with future relationships.   Remember they did it, not you.  The self esteem issues are their own.

Find yourself a distraction, and repair yourself.  The world is a big beautiful place, put yourself back out there.  I will be, but only when I can afford it!