Feeling a bit lost.

I am not sure if it is purely because I have been so busy at work, but it seems my life is flying by.   Evidently, from the lack of blog entries, that has been obvious.  But, here we are mid February, and I am not sure how I got here.

I love my job, but it is ridiculously busy.  I find it hard to share the children too, I just want them to be home every day.  Although the dog is at the house, more and more I am finding the journey home un-invigorating.  Old feelings are surfacing, highlighted further by Valentines Day I guess.

I’m 40, and half the week I come home to an empty house.   Nobody to ask me how my day was, nobody (bar the dog) pleased to see me, no atmosphere, no ‘homely smell’ etc.  I am really not enjoying this at all.   I sat down and reviewed my debt situation, which is a lot better, but still highlighted where I am.   I’m 40 and alone.

I know what I want, more so I know who I want.  Not a person as such, but a type of person.  I am surrounded by other single parents and I wonder if they all think this.   I quite literally sat in my kitchen the other night, for quite some time, just wondering how on earth my life is this boring.

Another of my friends celebrated an engagement, and is genuinely happy.  Have I used up all my happiness perhaps?  I really hide my unhappiness so well.  It’s not unhappiness actually, it is definetly loneliness.  I am lonely, no doubt about it.

I have had many dates now, and some have progressed before I end it.  I just don’t seem to find what I am looking for, but I hope to find it some day.   But at this moment, the only positive thing is I saved a packet on Valentines Day.

What do others in my position do?  Do you come home to a quiet house and feel the same?  Is your life as unfulfilling as mine?

I have to wonder why my life is so very different, or what I could have done so very wrong to not be allowed to be happy.

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Pawn shame

No not that type of pawn shame, get your minds out of the gutter now people!   This is my experience of something I never thought I would do.

It has been an extremely tough start to the year, financially.  I coped with Christmas as I budgeted, but January had 2 family birthdays so I knew it would be a struggle.  What I didn’t bank (ironic use of the word) on was a vet bill, a car repair and my fridge freezer breaking.

I have sold everything of value as you know, so what was left to do to raise funds?  It is 3 weeks till pay day, so I had one valuable item left but I didn’t want to sell it so I took the last path I could take, a pawn shop.  Not just any pawn shop, or back street “we buy your gold” vendor, this was a reputable high street one.

The item was high value and I knew I could get it back in May when I get my work bonus.  I did have plans for that money but needs must, so now it will be used mostly to buy back my item.  That’s my life though, whilst clearing debt sacrifices must be made time and time again.  Anyway, I digress…

I entered the shop, not sure what I expected really but it was small and unwelcoming.  The 2 other customers looked like they had been placed by some higher spirit, hell bent on changing my mind.  They were the local scum, dressed like garbage, poor grammar, and rough looking.  They pawned their items for meagre amounts of £30 ($42) and left.   My item was presented and examined and I was asked how much I wanted.

I wanted £800, this would cover the repairs totally.  It was just over 10% of the value of the item so a fair price, 35 minutes later after much investigation and checks by the assistant, an offer was then presented.   £700.

Sigh, really?   however, this was fine as I wasn’t being greedy at all.   I accepted and the ‘loan’ was set to 6 months repayment and I left with cash.  Did I feel relieved?  No…truthfully I felt cheap and very disappointed that my life had hit a new low.   Perhaps even lower than going insolvent, borrowing from my parents and so on.  Despite all my triumphs and the enormous amount of debt cleared, this felt horrible.

I suppose I can add this to life experience and again, I suppose, Pawn shops serve their purpose of emergency loans against valuable items.   I think I am irritated again that I simply cannot go more than 2 months without some sort of financial disaster, it makes my target that little bit further away.

I will still get there, I don’t think there can be many more shameful boxes to tick. Unless I take up Male Escorting!

Onwards and upwards, still hoping for that “one day it will all be a bad memory” moment.