I am not sure if it is purely because I have been so busy at work, but it seems my life is flying by. Evidently, from the lack of blog entries, that has been obvious. But, here we are mid February, and I am not sure how I got here.
I love my job, but it is ridiculously busy. I find it hard to share the children too, I just want them to be home every day. Although the dog is at the house, more and more I am finding the journey home un-invigorating. Old feelings are surfacing, highlighted further by Valentines Day I guess.
I’m 40, and half the week I come home to an empty house. Nobody to ask me how my day was, nobody (bar the dog) pleased to see me, no atmosphere, no ‘homely smell’ etc. I am really not enjoying this at all. I sat down and reviewed my debt situation, which is a lot better, but still highlighted where I am. I’m 40 and alone.
I know what I want, more so I know who I want. Not a person as such, but a type of person. I am surrounded by other single parents and I wonder if they all think this. I quite literally sat in my kitchen the other night, for quite some time, just wondering how on earth my life is this boring.
Another of my friends celebrated an engagement, and is genuinely happy. Have I used up all my happiness perhaps? I really hide my unhappiness so well. It’s not unhappiness actually, it is definetly loneliness. I am lonely, no doubt about it.
I have had many dates now, and some have progressed before I end it. I just don’t seem to find what I am looking for, but I hope to find it some day. But at this moment, the only positive thing is I saved a packet on Valentines Day.
What do others in my position do? Do you come home to a quiet house and feel the same? Is your life as unfulfilling as mine?
I have to wonder why my life is so very different, or what I could have done so very wrong to not be allowed to be happy.