It’s time to get tough.

Well, it has truly kicked off….or more to the point, it is about to.

My ex-wife, as you all know, is a total and utter nutcase.  But this time, she has gone too far.   After suffering multiple more phone calls of her screaming abuse at me because we cannot agree on a child maintenance fee I can take no more.  What great timing for me to take a stand too as, from Monday, we will probably never speak again about anything other than the children.

So, a brief reminder of the issue, she is demanding a huge £400 for the children and £600 equity repayment A MONTH.  The maximum I will have to give is £300/month according to the state.   But, the only reason I have never paid this is I pay for EVERYTHING towards the kids, she doesn’t even give me money towards their school trips etc!

I have been called multiple bad names including “sh1t father”, “tight bastard”, etc.   Interesting isn’t it eh, the affair was discovered 5 years ago, and she left 3 years ago leaving me with shattered kids, a home to run, bills to pay and debts to clear.  What happened to her, oh she moved into her lovers home and got her sports car etc.  But it is what it is.

So, I have flipped this on it’s head.   My solicitor has issued a letter, to be delivered Monday, with the following summary:

1. She is no longer permitted to enter my home at her own free will, she has been gone over 12 months so I am allowed to request this

2. She is to be removed from the land registry record, this is no way affects her 50% of the equity but wipes her from all other issues with the house.  This also prevents her opening accounts or credit cards against my house

3. she is no longer permitted to contact me about anything other than the children

4. I am stopping her getting her 100% of the child support from the government, I have been entitled to 50% for the last 3 years

and a few other things.  The letter is matter of fact and she will kick off but in reality, if she had just left me alone this would not have happened.  It also protects me fully now and cuts all last ties with this lunatic.

We now also have a pathetic letter from her solicitor, demanding I present my financial situation.  We have declined this as nobody bar a judge in court can request this.  The letter also slags me off for not attending mediation!  Yes, the very same mediation she booked an appointment in my name, without my permission!   Of course, there is no need for mediation, there is only one asset!!   That asset is the equity.

So then, I know how this will go.  She will go absolutely mental when she gets the letter, but with every control freak if you remove their control, they cannot cope.

Watch this space, anyone who has been through this, or who is about to…watch and learn.  It’s time to fight back, and I intend to tear her apart this time.  I have had enough of this vile woman, it’s time she got brought down a bit.

Debt – why you must speak up

Recently I have seen a spate of desperate souls make the ultimate choice when it comes to debt, they can’t cope any more and the world loses another poor victim.  I read this article recently, made me very sad for numerous reasons as some were the same as my own.  The debt and the refusal of an ex to sign divorce papers.

I remember all of this of course, the increase on your debt by the payment to solicitors to try and force a childish, selfish estranged partner to let you go.   But the key to all this, it is always debt.  Debt is the one thing that truly wont go away, there is always someone on your back.  This is where the world just does not help, there are many places who assist with the debt, but nobody truly is there to say “hold on there, just leave him be for a while, can’t you see he is in real trouble here?”  No…that does not exist.  Businesses want their money back, nothing wrong with that though, they are owed that money.

What I find unacceptable, and from personal experience, is when you take the time to try and explain you are not avoiding paying the debt, you are trying to explain that your personal circumstances are in such a terrible state that you need some space.  There is just no flexibility in the world, sadly a lot of the problems are caused by the people who don’t want to pay their debt.

When your world is collapsing, and you are fighting for everything and trying to hold a family together…the threat of the debt drops down the list.  Unfortunately, it only drops down the list for you.  The people who want your money look at you as avoiding payment.

I would not change how I played any of this, I did my absolute best.  There were desperate desperate times, times I was so low I didn’t know what to do.  The sick fear of the postman coming, the stomach wrenching moments when the phone rang over and over again.  The threats that got worse and worse, and then the fact you knew you had had enough.  I knew when that was, my kids kept me going.  You just want to get everyone in one room and shout “Enough, please, I have nothing to give you right now, just give me some time please”.

The one part I learned and I will always advise this – speak up.  Do not hide, I did and it got worse.  Debt brings shame, we all know this.  My blog has always been written in the hope someone, who is in the position I was, reads it all and knows they have a kindred spirit.  There is advise on where to go, who can and cannot help you, ways to reduce the debt and so on.  But, you cannot make someone ask for help.  I found it so very difficult to do it.

When I keep reading about people taking their own lives, swamped by debt, I wish they had read my blog.  I wish I could have spoken with them and told them how to gradually make it stop.  But, sadly it is always too late.

Not for the companies who hound you day and night though, or their debt collecting firms they pass the debt on to.  No, onto the next poor soul to destroy.

When will the companies learn, perhaps when the tables turn.

Until then, anyone out there, there is always a way out.  It may be a small way, but there is a way.  I have been there, there is nothing more valuable that your life.  If you lose everything, you start again.

If you end everything, you have achieved nothing.

Misconception of Bitterness

Bitterness is a difficult emotion to describe, some would say you have to let go or be perceived as holding on to hatred.  But, I have to disagree.  Bitterness is not just about hatred and rage, for some people (like myself) bitterness is the blame associated to someone who has caused some of your issues.   Bitterness is more about envy.

April has been a tough month, a ridiculous amount of money spent out due to birthdays and bills.  So much so, I will be short this month but I have got completely used to that.   I am also well used to paying for everything as you know, despite my ex-wife coming after me for money.  A classic example is me being responsible for my son’s party and gifts, I paid 90% again.  So, how does this lead to bitterness?

My calendar is full, full of social appointments for work, myself and the kids (parties etc).  All of which have to be pre-planned and paid for of course.  I have 2 weeks off work in August but as much as I play around with figures, I cannot afford a holiday this year.  That is an utter waste and a tragedy, not all may be lost though as I am still awaiting a court case settlement for my car accident and a payout from the government for over-payment of taxes (oh the irony, see multiple previous posts).

Enter bitterness, my ex as always.  You will all know she walks on water, no Karma here people sadly.   But it seems to get worse, at Christmas when she was thrown out on the street I finally thought it could be her time.  Nope…

It seems that she has somehow talked ‘him’ around so much now that he is completely re-decorating again, but this time rooms for my kids.   At great expense too, whereas I scour auction sites for nearly new furniture for my kids rooms.   Not just that, she now gets a free holiday for “being down”.   Let me re-iterate, this is not jealousy here.  Envy yes, but mostly frustration.

I am not a religious man, I never have been but also have no feelings either way for believers on non-believers.  However, when I pass, and I do meet with whatever comes next I would like to ask the question of why some people are given an easy path whereas others fight tooth and nail to survive?  Does anyone else feel like this?

So it irritates me when people tell you bitterness is a waste of time.  That statement makes no sense, if your life is pushed downwards because of someone else you will always have bitterness.  How you quantify how much, is down to you.

I have said many times, when you struggle with debt and you throw in a divorce caused by an affair, it feels like you are always swimming upwards with a concrete block tied to your feet.

So yes, I remain bitter at her getting everything for free all the time.   Time tests my patience.