Tag Archives: affair

Was it ever good enough?

There are times, after the split and divorce, where I have to wonder if what I had to offer was simply not enough.  Remember for last Christmas her partner bought her a 14K car.  He also moved her into his 4 bedroom ‘marital home’, the same home she was after from the start, and then fully redecorated from scratch to her standards and requests (demands).

He also employs her as an assistant, and now the kids tell me she has a luxury tropical fish tank with her favourite puffer and angel fish in.

Do you know what it feels like?  Everything I said no, or not just yet, is presented on a plate.   In my world we had real life, kids and bills to pay.  Everything came with time, in fact she had 3 new cars to my one.  I have to admit though, I thought I had done extremely well to provide everything for my family, but evidently it was not enough.

However, she fails to see the bigger picture.  Her partner’s wife, once divorced, was very vocal about how relieved she was to get away from his controlling ways.  Employing her, giving her a car, providing a home where her name isn’t on it at all is controlling.  In effect, he could take it all away in a heartbeat and secretly I do hope that happens one day.

I have to wonder if I had backed down and said yes to everything, would she have not cheated?  Of course she would have, her nature would not have changed.  It was only a matter of time, but it doesn’t stop a little bit of resentment on my part watching her swan around like Lady Muck.

I think my house is ok, and my kids love it.  I spoke to them the other day about if daddy ever wins some money on the lottery, that we will move to a nicer home and they both demanded we stay here.  The house is still very much their security I guess.

There is only so much you can do, if someone is always looking for something better then you are fighting a lost cause.   I never feel jealous of her lavish new lifestyle, just very bitter based on my daily struggle to make ends meet.   Today I had to replace some clothes for the kids, and get a gift for a party.  The ex saw them, commented, no offer of paying half as usual.

It is honestly like she left this life behind and just started a new one, left the house / me/ friends and just got new ones.

One day though, I would love to see envy in her eyes.  If only for my personal gratification.

For the next person that I choose to share my life with, I will most definetly be good enough.

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Irritants after a break-up

Why am I writing this post today, well my ex broke protocol when it comes to social media.  We have a rule on Facebook where we do not put images of new partners on there, it offends family members and upsets the kids.  This is not an issue for me as I have remained single but my ex is still with the guy she cheated with.  Up until last night that rule stayed in place,  but today a Halloween party shows them together and lots of comments about them.  This is the usual middle finger in the air to everyone.

The agreement was, from my family and I to her, that if (when) it happened we would remove her and thus this will now happen.  There will be the usual rants and raves and excuses on how they have accidently appeared, but sadly we have heard it all before.

This is the final straw, you see I am very respectful.  I do not slate her in public and prefer to stay out of conversations about her.  I have also stayed out of the many many situations where people have wanted to get hold of her, these are the previous friends she has stitched up, partners of men she has approached and so on.

I mention irritants, there are so very many.  The biggest one for me is the total failure by Karma to punish her in any way for the multiple wrong doings.  I am not aiming for a beat up session here, but these are actual facts.  She is well known as a compulsive liar and a master maniplulator, and has no disregard for who she hurts.  Don’t get me wrong, people always get the tears and “I’m so sorry” but sadly it has all been heard before.   Hence, Karma…time to step up.

But, what is a massive irritant to me this time is her band of friends.  You see, when the affair came out and everything else she had done also came out, she lost all bar a couple of friends.  Somehow she latched onto a new band of younger girls who seem to worship her.  They clearly see her and her guy as a nice couple but right here is the kicker, they all know the history of what they both did?  What he did to his family was similar by the way.  Being as all those new found friends are married you would think even one of them would think it morally wrong?  It appears not.

Why does this actually irritate me?  Well, there is a pattern you see.  Every few years she causes a near nuclear bomb explosion everyone drops her, and she starts again.  It has happened at least 3 times since I have known her.  It irritates me that she can move on like that but, as stated above, she somehow manipulates the situation for them to feel sorry for her.  It is an astonishing skill, one I would love to intervene in.  I would love to turn up at one of the many ‘girlie nights’ and say “hold on, what she has told you is utter rubbish and here are ten people who will tell you differently to her story”.

So this is why I want life to pay her back, I am simply amazed she just moves on and people love her!    How come I have to struggle why she moves onto another life of luxury where she pays absolutely nothing towards it?  She is the mother of my children so I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but I would absolutely LOVE to see her publically ousted by someone.  This may sound cruel but why does nobody from her new group stand up and think hold on, this girl wrecked 2 families and she is sat her dining at my table.

I really struggle to understand it.

I try hard not to judge people, when I meet people with a past I try to understand it but this is different.  It is a trend, it has happened many times and so many people have been hurt by her.  If a queue formed it would snake around the block!

Not often I have a rant but at some point it would be nice to sit back and smirk.   Who else wouldn’t want to?  When someone cheats you want to see them fail from that point on, not  to sit back and watch their life get better!

I just felt like getting this off my chest.

An affair need not break you

I started blogging for my own reasons but naively I never realised the impact a blog has.  People follow your blog to see your journey, where you came from, why you are here and to join you in where you end up.  They follow you because there is an aspect of their lives that runs in parallel with your own.  A lot of my followers have come from a broken relationship or marriage, largely due an affair.

The feelings that pour out on those blogs are all too familiar but I wanted to share why I think you can come through it.  I’m no expert, I just have first hand experience.   I have learnt a lot, so I am going to type it up in the home some of you can try and look through where you are right now, and see where you will be.

Nobody can tell you how to react, everyone reacts differently but the theme remains the same.  Betrayal, a complete shock and the feeling of being totally let down by someone you assumed would never do it.   You choose to be in a relationship with someone you have a mutual respect with, someone you want to do everything with.  When you discover they are not that person, there is natural shock.

There are different levels of an affair, depending on whether you are married, have children etc.  But and affair is an affair none the less.   It causes a lot of pain and sadly causes you to question yourself as a person.   That is the other level of an affair you see, the fact that it reflects on yourself.  What have been people been thinking behind your back?  Do people now assume you are bad in bed?  Am I boring?  Was I not good enough?   The questions go on and on, and it is our human nature to try and reason with something we cannot take in.  In reality though, there is no answer, the person who had the affair did it for their own reasons.

They will always try and justify what happened with those reasons, but ultimately they decided to do it.  In everyone’s life there are crossroads, and different paths leading from them.  They were at that crossroad, do they have an affair or not?  That is their decision alone, and you yourself have no bearing on that decision.  You will be told it was a mistake, it just happened, they were lonely and other such excuses.  All excuses, no blame on yourself.

How do you react though?  It is natural to be devastated, and for it to be constantly on your mind.   Whether you hate that person is to be decided, but we all miss a trick in that we need to instantly protect ourselves.   You will be swamped with support from everyone but sadly, nobody truly knows how you feel.  There is a social perception of obvious feelings but each and every person is different.   If you had lower self esteem than another person perhaps, then you would be affected more.

I suppose I was lucky, I had suspected for quite some time so when it finally all came out it was a relief. Finding out all the actual facts was the hard part.

Reading some of your blogs, there is pure pain in your posts.  Time does heal, but a lot of these posts are people hanging on to the fact that the relationship can recover.  If you can make it work, then fair play to you.  But, sadly, it will never be the same as a line has been crossed.   That person has done the unthinkable, if you take them back can you ever truly move on like nothing has happened?   I had the option to make a go of it (her words not mine), but no thank you.  The person who had the affair, once you have forgiven, will never quite respect you again because they got forgiven!  In effect, they got away with it.

Anyone that can move on from an affair, I wish you the absolute best luck in the world.  But anyone struggling, stop beating yourself up every day.  You cannot change what has happened and it doesn’t need to destroy you.  It also doesn’t need to give you any trust issues with future relationships.   Remember they did it, not you.  The self esteem issues are their own.

Find yourself a distraction, and repair yourself.  The world is a big beautiful place, put yourself back out there.  I will be, but only when I can afford it!

Family Portraits

We have concentrated a lot on debt recently, for good reasons, but this blog is also about divorce.

Half Term next week, so a week off for the kids from school.  When they break up from school they bring home all their projects, PE kits, etc.  Always nice to read through them and see what they have been working on.

My son has always been closer to his mother.  This is totally natural in a boy, also he is quite young.  Admittedly over the last year though, he has definetly become closer to me but I always expect drawings and writings to predominantly feature his mother.   As stated before, whatever the cause of the breakup you must never speak untoward of the children’s mother – as much as you would love to!

Checking through his pictures, his recent project was family.  Instant dread of course, but it was an interesting insight this time.  All the pictures, entitled ‘familee’ (sic) still contain only 3 characters.   We have touched on this before of course here, but this was a specific project.  He has to write as well this time.

My daughter has been quite vocal about the breakup with multiple questions, but my son has always been quiet about it.   But evidently, he is well aware and has many questions of his own.   The difference between this set of drawings and the last is it includes location.  If you check the drawing of the house, it is actually split in two.   One side is my side, one side is his mother’s.  It is actually quite clever.

Above my side is the sun, over hers is the rain.  Interesting isn’t it?

I don’t have the children much this weekend, last night my son gave me a hug and asked if he had to go tomorrow.  I said it was up to him but I can see he knows he has to go, he doesn’t want to upset his mum.

Being the stability and strength for my children is paramount, it is also why I have never let the sceptre of debt interfere in their lives.  I go without so they don’t have to.

I do not give moral advice, but anyone reading this think carefully before doing something you regret.   If you have children, they will be affected.  Not just talking about splitting up a family here, families split for genuine reasons other than a marital affair and sometimes it is unavoidable.   Just let them be children, where fairies and magic exists.  Adult traumas must not intertwine, a child should remain child as long as they can.

The adult world is not a great place to be.

Mistakes, or bad decisions we will call them!

So, as the blog progresses we will move through the stages of the debt increase and the marriage failure.  But, there is still a time in any story where you hold your hands up and say “Yep, I made some blunders, and some were real belters”  This, my friends, is that time, and it is being done early!

Do you know what statement I hate?  apart from my bank statement obviously…this one – “with hindsight you wouldn’t have made those decisions”.  Well obviously…

So, I would like to state decisions I think were poorly made, that have ultimately contributed to this ongoing nightmare.

1. Taking on my own accounts

now, I will take the blame for this BUT not 100%.  The error here was the speed I did not employ an accountant (although that also backfired a little, we will discuss this later in a different post).  When I went self employed it was not by choice, it was the first decent role that came up in IT in 2004.  It happened to be contracting, and it went very well as I was placed there by an umbrella company.   I got a few new contracts and was earning excellent money, and then agencies and employers didn’t want to use Umbrella Companies any more.  So, instead of getting an accountant I thought I could do it myself, despite having no qualifications at all and failing GCSE maths, twice, with a D.  By the time I realised I hadn’t left enough in the account for different bills, I was already in trouble. 

2. Buying Cat C and Cat D cars

so, my luck with cars is appalling.  I am on car number 28 now, they either die or get written off.   I needed a new car one year but couldn’t afford one, then I found out about cat c and cat d cars!  Well….my eyes opened.  I could get newer cars with ‘minimal damage’.  My plan, to buy one of these for very little and pay for the repair, giving me a saucy new car for 50% under the price.  There are two flaws, 1) it costs more than you think to repair* and 2) you can’t sell it on afterwards.  It would have been cheaper to get a finance agreement, the interest would have been higher but in the long run it would have cost less.

* see number 3 for further info

3. Trusting the family mechanic

My wife had an affair with the family mechanic, quite when it started is still up for debate.  However, there came a point where my car would break down every month, or when I picked it up it had to go straight back in. After a while, my wife was taking the money straight to him and picking up/dropping off the cars.  You can see the picture can’t you?  I should have worked that one out a while ago.  Why the mistake here, well I suspect some of the repairs were not necessary or created for me to return (or her to return) and the bigger one, and a brilliant piece of advice I got but ignored “a shoulder to cry on becomes a c0ck to ride on”.  It appears that is the case.  Number 2 and 3 link to debt and divorce.

4. Marriage

It was a gamble, based on prior history.  But, I did love her so I can’t say it was a total mistake, more of a gamble I lost.  The mistake here was the wedding cost 28K.  Yes, that was not a typo, it was 28K.   I could cover a lot of it, but this is when I started using my overdraft.  I am still in it 5 years later.

5. Working shifts

On paper,brilliant.   week off every 3 weeks, nights, days etc.  The summary, more time at home with my family.  The drawback, you miss half the month and you get half the pay.  I can directly link some of my first major missed HMRC payments to taking a contract shift role.

So there you go, probably made other poor decisions.  But these 5 are my main ones.