Tag Archives: alone

Feeling a bit lost.

I am not sure if it is purely because I have been so busy at work, but it seems my life is flying by.   Evidently, from the lack of blog entries, that has been obvious.  But, here we are mid February, and I am not sure how I got here.

I love my job, but it is ridiculously busy.  I find it hard to share the children too, I just want them to be home every day.  Although the dog is at the house, more and more I am finding the journey home un-invigorating.  Old feelings are surfacing, highlighted further by Valentines Day I guess.

I’m 40, and half the week I come home to an empty house.   Nobody to ask me how my day was, nobody (bar the dog) pleased to see me, no atmosphere, no ‘homely smell’ etc.  I am really not enjoying this at all.   I sat down and reviewed my debt situation, which is a lot better, but still highlighted where I am.   I’m 40 and alone.

I know what I want, more so I know who I want.  Not a person as such, but a type of person.  I am surrounded by other single parents and I wonder if they all think this.   I quite literally sat in my kitchen the other night, for quite some time, just wondering how on earth my life is this boring.

Another of my friends celebrated an engagement, and is genuinely happy.  Have I used up all my happiness perhaps?  I really hide my unhappiness so well.  It’s not unhappiness actually, it is definetly loneliness.  I am lonely, no doubt about it.

I have had many dates now, and some have progressed before I end it.  I just don’t seem to find what I am looking for, but I hope to find it some day.   But at this moment, the only positive thing is I saved a packet on Valentines Day.

What do others in my position do?  Do you come home to a quiet house and feel the same?  Is your life as unfulfilling as mine?

I have to wonder why my life is so very different, or what I could have done so very wrong to not be allowed to be happy.

Advertisements

time to get on the road

What a busy week, work wise.  Driven over 800 miles and stayed in another hotel, but saw some beautiful scenery.  If you ever visit the UK, I recommend the Pennines.  Beautiful mountain range between Sheffield and Manchester and a pleasurable 22 mile drive.  Apart from the sheer drop on the side of the road that is!

Importantly, it was time away from drama.   She has moved back in with him now and they are working through it, but this causes issues for the kids which I am monitoring obviously.  Instead of dealing with though, it was nice to be away.   Utterly cold up north, but miles from home and just myself.

January has started off so busy with work, everyone wants to plan 2015 which is why I am out and about.  This happens sometimes and I cannot complain.  It dusts off the cobwebs a bit and gives you some peace and quiet.  Sadly, it also caused an unwanted financial burden.  I managed to hit some debris on the way back, hit a tree branch which had blown onto the road from the gales last week.   Quickly obvious something had happened to the car as I had a small vibrate on the steering wheel.  Took it into a garage and I had damaged front tyres, joy.  £150 later….cheers then!

Probably the best time of year to get them done though as it is now winter and snow continues to threaten the UK!

I do need to make use of my working from home contract though and trust my team more, but sadly I take a lot of pride in my work and my team’s performance so I like to check on certain aspects.   However, it does leave me tired so I will make changes.

On a personal level, I continue to make minor admin changes here and there.  I have posted off my final will and testament now too.  This is not as morbid as you think, I have just removed the ex-wife completely from anything if I am removed from this earth!   Now, everything is left to the kids with my parents as guarantors.   This is a sensible move I think, and yet another financial move on my part.

I think all the lessons I have learnt have taught me to bargain, I often query renewal quotes and bills and most of the time they have been reduced forthwith.  This goes back to driving a lot and being away, it gives you time to evaluate situations.

One day there will be no more situations to evaluate, only situations to savour.

Happy Halloween – NOT

Ah Halloween, a night of kids dressing up and multiple knocks on the door.  Up to this year, I love it.  It’s fun, and fills the house with sweets for a month!  But not this year.

I have been excluded you see, the children’s mother booked things for them to do in her new area and then was very kind enough to ‘ask me’ in front of them, meaning I couldn’t actually say no as they were already excited.  A cruel emotional blackmail of a trick, but it is the seasons of tricks is it not?

I was intending to work late, and blank it completely but why should other kids miss out.  So, I bit the bullet and bought a mountain of sweets ready for the door knockings to begin.  Nice night for it too, which is typical!

This is my first Halloween without the kids, but I am positive it will not be the last.  My children, despite their young age, are very wise.  Today they phoned me and said they had made a decision that next year will be with me, bless them!   So that gives me exactly 12 months to plan the single greatest house decoration of all time.  It will be immense!

But enough of my bitterness, I truly hope you all have a marvellous Halloween and your kids look great as little witches and vampires.   We don’t know each other, we just read each other’s blogs, but if your kids knock my door then plenty of sweets await.

Until next year then…………..