Tag Archives: denial

A kindred spirit in an old friend

Isn’t it strange how life goes?  A while back I was back in contact with a very good friend of mine that I hadn’t seen for almost 10 years.  Caught up with her a few times but last night I got a text asking if I fancied a chat later.

Firstly, you should all know, she knows nothing of my situation.  Why would she, after all I took years to tell my own family so I certainly wouldn’t have told her!  Anyway, I digress..

So what was the chat about, well it was an emotional one.  It is lovely that someone considers you worthy of enough to chat about their worries, and get your opinion.  The chat was about money, more so the financial hardship she was experiencing.  It was like hearing my own story, but a story I should have told.

The words about hardly having any money left, worried how she will support her children, living on the edge.  Words I know so very well.  For me, she chose the perfect person to speak to as I can offer my tips on making money last, how to increase your funds, all legally of course.  Simple methods..

But then, after we spoke for a while, I confessed my story.  Even though my debt and financial troubles eclipsed hers it still gave her a perspective that her situation isn’t a loss.  In fact, to me it sounds like a milestone I want to hit!   Yes, I know that sounds really odd, but her figure is way under mine!

Do you know what this highlights?  You feel so totally alone but, in reality, there are so many people in the same position.  It’s a shame there isn’t a big door somewhere that you can knock on, and when it opens you say “Hello everyone, I am really in trouble and I need someone to listen who won’t judge me”, and there are hundreds of people in the same boat.  Debt makes you feel so alone, it really does.

The problem is that so many doors are already closed before you try them, like banks and loan companies.  Perhaps the old friend getting in touch, and wanting to get advice on a similar problem is a sign to keep going.  A sign you can ask for help, and to invite people in.

Or, karma wise, if I have offered help then something good will come my way.  If I could afford a lottery ticket I would have bought one!

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It’s no using hiding, we’ll find you – Part 1

There is such a stigma with failure isn’t there?  Everyone wants to be a success, and have the best of everything but what do you do when you perceive everyone else is doing better than you?  In reality, they probably aren’t but when you are in such a hole, everything seems so much worse.

It is bad enough knowing you have debt, and hardly any spare funds.  You find excuses not to go out, not to buy new clothes, you miss key events etc and so forth.  You miss them as you need to save money but also because you cannot face people.  Oh the face you put on when forced to confront family and friends.  I think friends don’t notice any difference but close family certainly do.

The problem for me is I am the oldest of 4 children, and thus should set an example.  I felt such shame, I still do.   It took me a long time to admit to my family I was in real trouble with money, but the delay was not just down to embarrassment.  The marriage nightmare catapulted into the public eye once again, despite me wanting to keep myself to myself.  But, when the affair came out, everyone had advice and wanted to console me.  But how did I feel, humiliated even further.  Anyone that is on the end of an affair suffers humiliation and never let any psychologist tell you anything different.  When someone rejects you for another, you have questions as to why they are a better choice.  And remember my readers, the affair had no direct relationship to the debt.

So there I was, the perceived black sheep of the family.  My own family was breaking apart, and I had to keep the front up of being ok.  To be fair, I am very good at that, but mostly to make sure none of my personal crisis’ had any impact on my job.  That worked, nobody had any clue at any of my jobs unless I told them.  I would be good at acting I think.

As the separation and divorce progressed, I knew I would have to admit the debt too.  But you must try to understand, I had a great life.  No debt, a nice home and lovely family.  But that had changed so drastically, I felt it was too much for my family at the beginning.

When I did tell them, it spilled out like marbles from my pocket.   However, I still held back some of the debt figures, those I felt I could deal with myself.  The debt I told them about was the huge HMRC debt I owed.  I say huge, I owed them 100K at one point and had somehow cleared 87K on my own.  Later in the blog I will explain how I did that. 

My family leant me the 13K to clear the immediate debt, I should have gone to them earlier.  Do I feel better, no, I still owe 13K, but my family doesn’t threaten me every week.  And that we will discuss in part 2.