Bitterness is a difficult emotion to describe, some would say you have to let go or be perceived as holding on to hatred. But, I have to disagree. Bitterness is not just about hatred and rage, for some people (like myself) bitterness is the blame associated to someone who has caused some of your issues. Bitterness is more about envy.
April has been a tough month, a ridiculous amount of money spent out due to birthdays and bills. So much so, I will be short this month but I have got completely used to that. I am also well used to paying for everything as you know, despite my ex-wife coming after me for money. A classic example is me being responsible for my son’s party and gifts, I paid 90% again. So, how does this lead to bitterness?
My calendar is full, full of social appointments for work, myself and the kids (parties etc). All of which have to be pre-planned and paid for of course. I have 2 weeks off work in August but as much as I play around with figures, I cannot afford a holiday this year. That is an utter waste and a tragedy, not all may be lost though as I am still awaiting a court case settlement for my car accident and a payout from the government for over-payment of taxes (oh the irony, see multiple previous posts).
Enter bitterness, my ex as always. You will all know she walks on water, no Karma here people sadly. But it seems to get worse, at Christmas when she was thrown out on the street I finally thought it could be her time. Nope…
It seems that she has somehow talked ‘him’ around so much now that he is completely re-decorating again, but this time rooms for my kids. At great expense too, whereas I scour auction sites for nearly new furniture for my kids rooms. Not just that, she now gets a free holiday for “being down”. Let me re-iterate, this is not jealousy here. Envy yes, but mostly frustration.
I am not a religious man, I never have been but also have no feelings either way for believers on non-believers. However, when I pass, and I do meet with whatever comes next I would like to ask the question of why some people are given an easy path whereas others fight tooth and nail to survive? Does anyone else feel like this?
So it irritates me when people tell you bitterness is a waste of time. That statement makes no sense, if your life is pushed downwards because of someone else you will always have bitterness. How you quantify how much, is down to you.
I have said many times, when you struggle with debt and you throw in a divorce caused by an affair, it feels like you are always swimming upwards with a concrete block tied to your feet.
So yes, I remain bitter at her getting everything for free all the time. Time tests my patience.