Tag Archives: humiliation

It’s done. I manned up.

Hi all

I know you have been waiting to see whether I phoned my parents, and I did.  It took me a while to build up to it but I did it.  It went how I thought it would, the words I expected to see of how proud they are, and want to help.  However, and I knew it wouldn’t, it didn’t stop the shame.   I cannot stop that feeling, just complete humiliation.

I expected my life to be so so different, but it isn’t.  I keep thinking of all the things that went wrong, and what led to this.  But, is this life, you are dealt what you are dealt.  It is just a shame that most of my cards have been rubbish.

Back to this though, my parents will loan me the money.   This means I can go down the insolvency route and stop the HMRC coming at me.   So why do I not feel any relief?  It is hard to explain, very hard actually, that even small victories mean nothing until I pay things off.   I realise my parents will never pressure me, and indeed have stated there is no rush at all to pay it off, but I am just not looking forward to going round.

It may sound irrational, but I just feel if you owe people money you cannot do anything that appears affluent.  For example, a holiday as it looks (to me) like you are using money you could have used to pay people back.  Even if people may not see it that way, but I do.

My point is, I am still trapped.  Not trapped in a situation whereby my house and possessions could be taken away, but by the knowledge that I am not free to live a ‘normal’ life.  It means that that even if on certain paydays I may find myself to be lucky enough to have an extra couple of hundred pounds, I cannot use it for a treat.

In essence, my life remains on hold.  Just with less people chasing me.

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