Tag Archives: life

Misconception of Bitterness

Bitterness is a difficult emotion to describe, some would say you have to let go or be perceived as holding on to hatred.  But, I have to disagree.  Bitterness is not just about hatred and rage, for some people (like myself) bitterness is the blame associated to someone who has caused some of your issues.   Bitterness is more about envy.

April has been a tough month, a ridiculous amount of money spent out due to birthdays and bills.  So much so, I will be short this month but I have got completely used to that.   I am also well used to paying for everything as you know, despite my ex-wife coming after me for money.  A classic example is me being responsible for my son’s party and gifts, I paid 90% again.  So, how does this lead to bitterness?

My calendar is full, full of social appointments for work, myself and the kids (parties etc).  All of which have to be pre-planned and paid for of course.  I have 2 weeks off work in August but as much as I play around with figures, I cannot afford a holiday this year.  That is an utter waste and a tragedy, not all may be lost though as I am still awaiting a court case settlement for my car accident and a payout from the government for over-payment of taxes (oh the irony, see multiple previous posts).

Enter bitterness, my ex as always.  You will all know she walks on water, no Karma here people sadly.   But it seems to get worse, at Christmas when she was thrown out on the street I finally thought it could be her time.  Nope…

It seems that she has somehow talked ‘him’ around so much now that he is completely re-decorating again, but this time rooms for my kids.   At great expense too, whereas I scour auction sites for nearly new furniture for my kids rooms.   Not just that, she now gets a free holiday for “being down”.   Let me re-iterate, this is not jealousy here.  Envy yes, but mostly frustration.

I am not a religious man, I never have been but also have no feelings either way for believers on non-believers.  However, when I pass, and I do meet with whatever comes next I would like to ask the question of why some people are given an easy path whereas others fight tooth and nail to survive?  Does anyone else feel like this?

So it irritates me when people tell you bitterness is a waste of time.  That statement makes no sense, if your life is pushed downwards because of someone else you will always have bitterness.  How you quantify how much, is down to you.

I have said many times, when you struggle with debt and you throw in a divorce caused by an affair, it feels like you are always swimming upwards with a concrete block tied to your feet.

So yes, I remain bitter at her getting everything for free all the time.   Time tests my patience.

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Feeling a bit lost.

I am not sure if it is purely because I have been so busy at work, but it seems my life is flying by.   Evidently, from the lack of blog entries, that has been obvious.  But, here we are mid February, and I am not sure how I got here.

I love my job, but it is ridiculously busy.  I find it hard to share the children too, I just want them to be home every day.  Although the dog is at the house, more and more I am finding the journey home un-invigorating.  Old feelings are surfacing, highlighted further by Valentines Day I guess.

I’m 40, and half the week I come home to an empty house.   Nobody to ask me how my day was, nobody (bar the dog) pleased to see me, no atmosphere, no ‘homely smell’ etc.  I am really not enjoying this at all.   I sat down and reviewed my debt situation, which is a lot better, but still highlighted where I am.   I’m 40 and alone.

I know what I want, more so I know who I want.  Not a person as such, but a type of person.  I am surrounded by other single parents and I wonder if they all think this.   I quite literally sat in my kitchen the other night, for quite some time, just wondering how on earth my life is this boring.

Another of my friends celebrated an engagement, and is genuinely happy.  Have I used up all my happiness perhaps?  I really hide my unhappiness so well.  It’s not unhappiness actually, it is definetly loneliness.  I am lonely, no doubt about it.

I have had many dates now, and some have progressed before I end it.  I just don’t seem to find what I am looking for, but I hope to find it some day.   But at this moment, the only positive thing is I saved a packet on Valentines Day.

What do others in my position do?  Do you come home to a quiet house and feel the same?  Is your life as unfulfilling as mine?

I have to wonder why my life is so very different, or what I could have done so very wrong to not be allowed to be happy.

as my life struggles, a new one arrives

Through my recent few days of pure unhappiness, caused by the constant rejection from loan options, a rare glint of sunshine through the clouds.  I have another nephew!

It made me think, I am now meant to be a positive influence on yet another child.  That’s my children and my nieces and nephews, they look to me as the fun uncle.  And mostly I am.

Children have absolutely no clue what some adults are going through, and I truly think that is best.  I have learnt in the last few years that no matter how dreadful your day, you always greet you children with a smile and hug.  As long as they think everything is ok, then they feel safe.  I also think it’s an adult’s role to shield children from real life traumas, which is what I have done.

I googled HMRC harassment, so many stories of people who were driven to a nervous breakdown by it.  I am determined not to go down that route, I’m too strong for that and too proud a father.  But, everyone handles situations differently.  Personally, I go quiet and step away from my friends for a few days and try hard to regain my perspective.

This time, a baby boy is that perspective.   Just got to raise the funds to get my brother and sister and law a gift!