Tag Archives: parents

It’s done. I manned up.

Hi all

I know you have been waiting to see whether I phoned my parents, and I did.  It took me a while to build up to it but I did it.  It went how I thought it would, the words I expected to see of how proud they are, and want to help.  However, and I knew it wouldn’t, it didn’t stop the shame.   I cannot stop that feeling, just complete humiliation.

I expected my life to be so so different, but it isn’t.  I keep thinking of all the things that went wrong, and what led to this.  But, is this life, you are dealt what you are dealt.  It is just a shame that most of my cards have been rubbish.

Back to this though, my parents will loan me the money.   This means I can go down the insolvency route and stop the HMRC coming at me.   So why do I not feel any relief?  It is hard to explain, very hard actually, that even small victories mean nothing until I pay things off.   I realise my parents will never pressure me, and indeed have stated there is no rush at all to pay it off, but I am just not looking forward to going round.

It may sound irrational, but I just feel if you owe people money you cannot do anything that appears affluent.  For example, a holiday as it looks (to me) like you are using money you could have used to pay people back.  Even if people may not see it that way, but I do.

My point is, I am still trapped.  Not trapped in a situation whereby my house and possessions could be taken away, but by the knowledge that I am not free to live a ‘normal’ life.  It means that that even if on certain paydays I may find myself to be lucky enough to have an extra couple of hundred pounds, I cannot use it for a treat.

In essence, my life remains on hold.  Just with less people chasing me.

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If all else fails, go home

Where, assuming you have reached this age, do/did you think you would be at middle age?  Me, I hoped to be settled on a personal and financial basis.  Sadly, that is not the case.

I am out of options for raising the initial funds for the Insolvency, I have tried multiple options and my last option today has not panned out either.  This leaves only one way to go, a humiliating cap in hand walk to my parents.   Please don’t get me wrong, they offer to help me multiple times in a month so the shame is on my part.   Who would actually feel comfortable with asking your parents for a few thousand pounds?

It will be paid back, everyone I have ever borrowed money from has been paid back.  Except for the HMRC of course, but that is a very different matter.  I feel very uncomfortable with borrowing money from family or friends, despite the genuine offer it puts a different pressure on me.

This time it is important, this is not for personal debt clearance or to give me extra money, it is to draw a line under my company and it’s debts.  It looks like, until I clear this debt, that embarrassment comes hand in hand with it.   It is has been going on so long now I forget what it feels like to have wages and have zero to pay out.

I’ll go round this weekend and get it over with.  Believe me, I can’t look any more pathetic than I already look.

bills, bills, bills.

Sometimes, and it is rare, my situation gets to me.  It does take a lot, by definition I am a very strong person.  I handle personal crisis well but occasionally it gets too much.  I can only juggle so many things at any one time, today got a bit too much.

Started last night when I got in from work, my ex was kind enough to leave the usual school letters and bills to be filled in, signed and paid and then to be returned to the school.  Quite why she cannot pick up a pen and at least fill them in is beyond me but I am well used to it.  However, there were a few more than normal.

I had come home with £24 in my wallet, proud I had made it through the week after withdrawing £50.  I figured that would get me though the weekend but no, and you can guess what is coming here, the school forms requiring payment equalled £24.  Totally gutted…my wallet was now empty.  Whatever I try to do, every week I end up with no money.  It annoyed me and just felt a little deflated.

Today I received 2 letters, the first was a fine from my bank for my business bank account going overdrawn.  This was expected as I have ceased trading.  This letter will be dealt with by my Insolvency Practitioner but it was still unpleasant to receive the letter.  I knew it was was bad as it was HAND SIGNED!  Normally bank letters have printed signatures, but not mine.

Onto letter 2.  My energy company is putting up my direct debit by a whopping £46/month.   This is an additional £500/year.  This was my breaking point today, I just feel like I always lose.  No matter how many savings I make, or things I sell, or cuts to spending I perform I somehow always end up back at square one.  I have mentioned this before, once you are at the bottom of the pit then somehow you stay there.   It does seem that you need that lucky win, or lottery win, to pull your out.

I wonder how many other people in debt feel this way.  This never ending drain on your funds?  Perhaps when you are affluent you don’t notice these little things but sadly I do notice them.  I just want a break here, it is so hard keeping everything paid and up to date as a single parent.

It is now only 7 weeks till Christmas too.  Something really needs to happen, financially, and quick.

Single parenting is a balancing act

Wow, what a week.  Utterly flown by, made harder by the children being off for Half Term.   Co-ordinating this event is hard enough as I have to work out where I will be with work, whether the ex-wife can accommodate, what the kids want to do and it goes on.  I used to love Half Term when in a stable relationship, it was a chance to have family time.  Now, it’s more about balancing everything to make sure the kids have a nice time.

However, balancing is only done on my part.   It hasn’t just been work this week, I have had a mountain of paperwork to do for this meeting today, I have also had to have painful dental work and of course, do my job!   It has been co-ordinated well until yesterday when my son had to finish his football early to attend a party in the afternoon.  It seems asking my ex-wife to head out on her lunch hour to collect him and drop him back to me was apparently as impossible as re-inventing the wheel.  All I need sometimes, is a little help.

I take my job as a parent very seriously, even more so since being a single parent.  As much as you think you do a great job though, there are still times you need help.  It is simple impossible to do everything yourself, there are just never enough hours in the day and there will always be timing clashes.

I have always been careful to make sure work has not been affected and I am incredibly lucky (not a word I use often with my life!) to be able to work from home a few times a week.  Sometimes, my worlds do come close to colliding though.

What else I find amazing, is the perceived roles of a single parent.  I will do anything for my kids but my ex will do the glory days but I am still expected to pay for everything major.  I am never tight, but it was her decision to leave and the children are ultimately both of our responsibilities, expect for the bills it seems?

I need to be clear, I am not here to slate my ex wife but I am here to give everyone a clear vision of what it is like to balance being a single dad, and to try and achieve everything on very little money.  So my point is when did it become the responsibility of one parent to do all admin, all bills, all treats and be the voice of reason?

I am mid life now, this is not how I envisioned my life to be at this stage.   My children are as happy as they can be now though, and miss out on nothing.  But the more I try and resolve this debt, and the busier my job gets I need to start getting some real help or the balance of work v family will ultimately fail.

how do mum’s know????

Weird isn’t it?  I have done absolutely everything possible to hide this nightmare from my family, and I mean everything.   Largely due to pride and the fact I desperately tried to fix this.

We all know my reasons, I hate being the black sheep of the family.  I am the only one who is divorced, who’s wife had an affair and ran off, the single parent struggling…….I could go on.

The thing is, it is down to pride but also I have always been able to fix things.  By hook or by crook I have paid so much money back and even this month I have paid off another £700 from other debts than the HMRC ones.  But I think it has been obvious from my demeanour something is dreadfully wrong.  I know I have been very quiet and generally downtrodden, and I haven’t meant to be, but when you are beaten you are beaten.

Weirdly, I spoke to a financial specialist today about IVA’s.  It is the ONLY debt solution that will allow tax debt to be included, so I was considering this and thought maybe, just maybe, I would be able to keep this a secret.

Then my mum rang tonight.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, they always know.  The normal conversation then cut short with “can’t you tell me what is wrong?”.  tried to get away with it but then she countered with “tell me about your tax debt and how I can help?”.  How did she know you wonder?  Well, my mail was redirected, she kept a couple back and opened them and was shocked at the content of the letters, or more to the point “the disgusting wording of the letters”.

However, I haven’t told the whole truth yet, I have told her I am still looking at options but I immediately felt better.

How did she know eh?  I don’t mean because she read the letters, but how did she know there was something seriously wrong?  You see, part of me is never to have a breakdown, I just go quiet and look at options myself.  I don’t think I have been massively different but obviously I was.

Perhaps, this is life telling me I have tried every option and now to go with the obvious one and get help from my family.  And I have tried everything as you know.

Decisions still to be made but a door has been opened, so if I come clean it won’t be a complete shock.