Tag Archives: single

Feeling a bit lost.

I am not sure if it is purely because I have been so busy at work, but it seems my life is flying by.   Evidently, from the lack of blog entries, that has been obvious.  But, here we are mid February, and I am not sure how I got here.

I love my job, but it is ridiculously busy.  I find it hard to share the children too, I just want them to be home every day.  Although the dog is at the house, more and more I am finding the journey home un-invigorating.  Old feelings are surfacing, highlighted further by Valentines Day I guess.

I’m 40, and half the week I come home to an empty house.   Nobody to ask me how my day was, nobody (bar the dog) pleased to see me, no atmosphere, no ‘homely smell’ etc.  I am really not enjoying this at all.   I sat down and reviewed my debt situation, which is a lot better, but still highlighted where I am.   I’m 40 and alone.

I know what I want, more so I know who I want.  Not a person as such, but a type of person.  I am surrounded by other single parents and I wonder if they all think this.   I quite literally sat in my kitchen the other night, for quite some time, just wondering how on earth my life is this boring.

Another of my friends celebrated an engagement, and is genuinely happy.  Have I used up all my happiness perhaps?  I really hide my unhappiness so well.  It’s not unhappiness actually, it is definetly loneliness.  I am lonely, no doubt about it.

I have had many dates now, and some have progressed before I end it.  I just don’t seem to find what I am looking for, but I hope to find it some day.   But at this moment, the only positive thing is I saved a packet on Valentines Day.

What do others in my position do?  Do you come home to a quiet house and feel the same?  Is your life as unfulfilling as mine?

I have to wonder why my life is so very different, or what I could have done so very wrong to not be allowed to be happy.

Is it financially better to stay single?

So prior to marriage I had no debt at all, aside from the mortgage.   After divorce I am drowning in debt.  This begs the obvious question, “Am I better off on my own?”.

During the relationship and subsequent marriage, I always paid for everything.  Every single direct debt, bill and unexpected costs.  I guess this was ok as it was never ever questioned, it was expected.  However, there is the obvious resentment of previous posts where I describe how I had paid off her credit cards, whilst she was having an affair.

To get divorced added 4.5K to my debt, plus the few hundred a month I have to give to the ex for ‘the children’.  Net result, after the divorce, my little pot of spare money has dwindled even further through no fault of my own.

I have done internet dating but when you have little spare income, even going on dates eats into your finances.  So this raises the big question of loneliness vs debt freedom.  Are you happy being on your own clearing your debt, or happy meeting someone new and clearing the debt slowly?

Think about it, no relationship means no birthdays, valentines days and Christmases.  That’s a huge saving!  Add in romantic gestures (and I am a real romantic sod!) and treats and you see the picture.  I have been single for a while now and I am not as lonely as I thought.  Possibly as I have several brown letters a week to keep me hiding away!

Also, if hugely in debt, what do you really have to offer someone?  Who wants to take you on?  I suspect nobody.

You have to admit it, having nobody other than your children and immediate family to pay money out on, it’s a tempting reality!

bah humbug….